Musing: Bullying, Silent Grudges and Thanking God for Real Friends!
Warning: This piece is deeply personal. If you don't like reading personal blog posts, I'll suggest you skip this one.
"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." ~ Anne Lamott
So today, I'm going to tell you a story. A story that started apparently even before I was born. I cannot really be sure because I've heard about that, but as years passed...things have just gotten out of hand. One thing I've learned over the years - you are how you are. Never apologize for it. If people want you to change to suit their needs, they're not you well wishes. And if you dare change from being a doormat to a strong person, God forbid, all hell will break lose!
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When I was in school, I wasn't the brightest button. In fact - for the longest time I believed myself to be pretty dumb. I would be frustrated at how poorly I performed in class. It didn't help that my sister and the cousin I grew up with were really good in studies. For the longest time, the only thought I remember haunting my very young brain was how would I outshine them.
I am the youngest in my family, the easiest target for the other two. Because some of my earliest recollection from my not so colourful childhood is the phrase, "You're loved so much by everyone, you've become a spoiled brat." Till date, I've not been able to figure out what I'd done to earn their wrath. My mother had tried her level best to make me tell her what was wrong. Why I was so conscious when we went to family functions. I thought she'd scold them and their bullying would be even more intolerable. If someone believes they're not good enough, and gets bullied by their siblings, it won't take long for the child to withdraw into his/her own shell and refuse to come out from there. Perhaps, this is the reason, when I meet people younger than me, an elder sisterly kind of feeling begins to work towards them. I feel oddly protective of them. And try to be as invincible as I always believe my mummy to be.
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I still remember something so clearly even today. My sister and my cousin shared the same Maths tutor. My mum had bought me a balloon from the local fair. It was nothing much, but I was so filled with joy with the balloon. Although he claimed it was an accident, my cousin thought it would be a laugh to hit the balloon, while a pencil was still lodged between his fingers. You can imagine what happened next: the burst, I was too shocked and then I burst into tears. After the elders scolded him, I got another dose of his bullying.
One of his favorite forms of punishment was to tell me, "Don't come into our room." When I look back and think, I cannot imagine for the life of me why I couldn't be more strong. Strangle him, perhaps, when no one was looking.
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As I write this, memories I've locked away are flooding back to me. It's like some dam has broken, and I don't know what has been worse - being quiet about being bullied or the subtle bullying I kept facing till they finally moved out, when I was thirteen.
I will never be ashamed to admit the fact that I'm glad he moved out. I still remember thinking, "Good! Now maybe my elder sister would learn to stop bullying me." She didn't immediately. I don't really know when we stopped jumping down each other's throats and became friends. I think it's when she shifted to Singapore...distance does make the heart grow fonder. Besides, we had nothing to talk about before, thanks to our age difference. I'm not very comfortable letting my family into my life, anyway. The fear of being judged has never really gone away.
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Ugly fights with the cousin continued. And I learned with time, the best way to survive is to pretend he doesn't exist. So I ignore him mostly. When they were shifting into the new house, I remember something else from the day before the housewarming party. He was annoying me, and I asked me a number of times to stop. In our struggle, I ended up hurting the heels of my feet. He said sorry that day. But I believe it's more from the fact he was worried about what would happen if I told on him. Well, I never did. But now you know...as do the rest of the people who read my blog.
So what happened yesterday was a reaction to something that happened after almost twenty freaking years. The last time I snapped at him was just a few days back. I told him to not touch my hair, when he pulled my braid. And yesterday - going back to his old days - when he thought he and sister were the dynamic duo, he tried to keep me away from their cozy little group. My sister's husband was there too. The conversation before dinner went mostly like this:
Cousin: You go away. Come with the parents.
Me: Why?
Cousin: No, no...you go. We need to pick up Jeet Singh (my uncle)
Of course my sister came and intervened. (Like I said, she's changed. So sometimes I'm dragged with her to places, even if I don't wish to go there....it's her way of trying to make me more social.) I am socially awkward...I know loads of people my age and older than me, who are!
He tried to make the same joke again after dinner and that's when I retaliated. And told him, I'd slap him. So then he turned the tables on me and said, "Don't overreact about everything! You did the last day too." And a few other things which I honestly, do not care to remember. My brother-in-law tried to make the peace, but that ended with all my grudges coming out...but before I could even say a word, he shouted, like the "theatrics" person he is...and suddenly everything was my fault. And that if I would overreact like this, I shouldn't talk to him. I should be on my own.
The stupid cat got my tongue. I so wanted to tell him to go to Hell and he was the last person on Earth I ever wanted to talk to in the first place! And I love being on my own. At least I'm not lonely as him. I know how to be my own friend. I feel sorry for him, actually.
The stupid cat got my tongue. I so wanted to tell him to go to Hell and he was the last person on Earth I ever wanted to talk to in the first place! And I love being on my own. At least I'm not lonely as him. I know how to be my own friend. I feel sorry for him, actually.
And what did my sister do? She told me to apologize. My brother-in-law told me to not take every joke to heart. But I'm like that - I'm emotional. I'm touchy, and I will not apologize for it. I've had a harder time in the world, but I've survived so far.
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I've come a long way from being the timid, bullied school girl, who did not understand science and had nightmares about failing the subjects in her Board exams.
But I found myself from a place I'd thought I was totally lost in.
I realized my dream of being an author when I was 21-22 years of age. And I'll have another book published sometime in this year.
Me, the shirk, ended up getting through the MPhil program of Comparative Literature in my university. And guess what?
All this cousin could speak about was how my book hasn't garnered enough sales. And how people won't buy it for the juvenile cover and how it's basically a loss in the business. For him, money matters. For me, it doesn't. Because it was and still is the joy I get from writing, that drives me to it.
As for higher studies - he believes I'm wasting my time. I should get a job and start looking after my family. He missed the key point. It is my family. Even though my mum and sister tried to calm me down, I was still being haunted my the brilliant shouting in the car. What annoyed me the most was the most being unable to scream back what I'd longed too. I really do need to work on my confrontational skills.
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Friend 1# - Dude! He needs therapy!!
Friend 2# - Why did you shout? Should've said, "that's cute", gone and sat in the car.
Friend 3# - What's his problem? Ah, well...maybe he's insecure, Aniesha. Because no matter what happens, we'll be here for you.
Friend 2# - Hey, go read my blog. New post is up :D
Me - Meet me tomorrow, please. Let's go to the new bookstore?
Friend 2# - Absolutely!
Friend 4# - Awww...if you retaliate, you become the villain. That always happens.
And out of nowhere, everything suddenly fell into place. Family doesn't always have to end in blood ties. Sometimes, you can actually choose your own family. My mum thinks friendships come with no strings, so it's easier. But she has no idea, the friends I've made in the past one year, are actually closer to me than most of my family.
Someone once right said, "I think after awhile, the Bloggers love being in each other's company." I agree wholeheartedly with her.