"When You Say Nothing At All"

One year six months ago, I was reeling having my heart broken in the cruelest possible way. One year ago I let my heart suffer the same fate again. With all the on again and off again hurt we veil as feelings it is of no surprise that over time I decided to shut down completely. If you had asked me if I was seeing someone I’d tell you I was.

But if you asked me if I’d liked someone - I would probably roll my eyes, make a noncommittal shrug, and change the subject. 

Because to be honest? I do not remember the last time I felt anything for anyone. Except rage. And annoyance. I do not remember the last time someone’s good morning greeting made me grin like a Cheshire Cat or when I would check my phone immediately after getting a text notification. I would smile to myself and hum tunes, knowing full well I was wrapped up in a secret I was hiding from the rest of the world.

The secret just so happened to be the fact I really, really liked someone. Maybe I would not act on those feelings. But it was always a warm, happy, fuzzy feeling - basking in the feel goodness of a crush. 

I had gone so far away from this feeling for so long that I did not know what to do when it returned. I did not think it would ever return. For a long time my heart had weighed heavily. Every breath I would draw would make me feel the sharp stab, making me remember that I had learned to never let myself feel again. It was better than risk getting hurt. Besides, I had spent months learning how to wake up first, I had grown into the habit of always figuring out the way out even before I would enter a new space. 

I thought I was doing so well. I was winning at this game of crushes and feelings. I taught myself to rise above it. I was basking in my victories until...everything came crashing down. It reaffirmed something I think I had secretly always known: you cannot control who you develop feelings for. Maybe you can trick yourself into loving someone.

But I am yet to learn of a trick where you successfully tell yourself that you do not have a crush on someone. Or deny your true feelings for someone. 

You can only wish that the person who could make your dead heart flutter either feels the same way or never figures out how you truly feel. That they do not understand when they stand too close to you, you lean away because you do not want to catch a whiff of their scent. That smell does not haunt you when you’re trying to sleep at night. You desperately wish that the one time you had slipped up and might have accidentally told them your truth, they were too distracted to have heard you.

Too caught up in the drama of their own lives to figure out someone has been standing there all along, banging on the closed doors, trying to pry open the windows, and bleeding right in front them from biting their tongue down to keep from spilling over their souls. 

I used to think I was done with crushes. That there never would be another person who’s leaning into me would make me want to lean back into them. That instead of knocking on the door to their hearts, I would pick up the fragments of my soul and walk off. Love is too strong a word, I know. But like is a word too weak. 

I think my feelings are in the twilight zone at the moment.

A shove will make me spill over everything I’ve tried to bury down for the longest time. And a hug will make me open an universe of possibilities. But you know what? Instead of choosing either the shove or the hug, I choose to hold my tongue. 

Nothing good has ever come from telling someone how you feel. Except amazing prose. Heartbreaking poetry. Maybe in time, I will forget how I feel. I will forget the person I felt all of this for. But these words...they will remain. They will outlive me or anything I might feel. And you know what? I can live with that.